


Shattered

by ChaoticFairy (Amanda908565)



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Can this be tagged as unhealthy relationships?, Gen, Hide Is Just Real Sad, Hurt No Comfort, I don't know man, Introspection, M/M, Nagachika Hideyoshi-centric, No Dialogue, Post-Canon, Sad, This Is Sad, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 00:40:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19734886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amanda908565/pseuds/ChaoticFairy
Summary: Hide wonders when Kaneki's tragedy ended, and when his began.(It wasn't meant to be like this)





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> This hurt to write but I blame my best friend for sticking the idea in my head.

He doesn’t know when, exactly, that he began to not see Kaneki like that anymore. Hide is used to being so obsessed over the other half ghoul that he doesn’t notice when his feelings for Tsukiyama Shuu started, either.

He doesn’t notice it despite wanting the guy to hold him closer when they fuck, souls bared and eyes honest.

He doesn’t notice when he wants to be close; to burrow himself into the other’s chest and bury his face in the crook of the ghoul’s neck. 

He doesn’t realize it, even when he wants Shuu to continue talking to him; to keep telling him how loved he was, how amazing he thought Hide truly was. 

Hide never understood other languages, he knew more of English simply because he listened to American pop songs, but the foreign words of French, Italian, and Spanish that fell from Shuu’s lips were delicate, spoken as a whisper. They warmed his chest. 

Hide just went with everything, a smile on his face while his own heart is breaking. He knew that Shuu would never notice, either.

Because he might love Kaneki ~~(he does love Kaneki)~~ , but he’s also fallen in love with the eccentric ghoul. Hide knows his feelings for his best friend, for _Kaneki Ken_ , are slowly but surely slipping into something strictly platonic. He doesn’t have a choice; if he wants to stay in Kaneki’s life, then he needs to be the one to change. However, Shuu loves Kaneki more than life itself, doesn’t he? So he’ll take what he can get and try not to wonder when the other will get tired of him.

The falsely cheery blonde is always quiet about his feelings. He always listens to Shuu when he vents; he offers advice. He’s there for the other, always, no matter how late Shuu calls him. He opens his door no matter when Shuu shows up at his apartment. Hide will always let him in, even while his own feelings bubble and bubble. At this point he’s well aware of his feelings for Shuu, but he never says it. Ever. Shuu still goes on about Kaneki, so why would he risk it?

He wouldn’t.

One day, Hide finds himself sitting at the edge of his building, just looking out into the night sky. Shuu has called him at least 23 times, but Hide ~~wouldn’t~~ couldn’t bring himself to look at his phone, despite knowing that the text messages are plentiful and the voicemails are steadily growing in number.

He feels numb. He didn’t feel this way when Kaneki got together with Touka, so why is it happening now? He knows that Shuu loved Kaneki—how could he not? Kaneki is great.

Amazing. Wonderful. Incredible. Strong.

All the things Hide believes he’s not.

He doesn’t know why he’s there. ~~He does know.~~ He just doesn’t want to acknowledge why. Acknowledging it means speaking it into existence and he knows that he shouldn’t do that—couldn’t do that. Wouldn’t do that.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he reaches up to rub at his blurry eyes, only for his hand to come away wet. When did that start? Was it when he sat on the ledge? Or had it been when he was in the apartment, staring at rumpled sheets and the air smelling faintly of Shuu’s cologne? Had the tears begun when Shuu had rolled out of bed to take a shower, not even sparing a word to Hide? Or perhaps once the male left after Hide said that he couldn’t do it anymore? 

He wonders why Shuu left (did Hide make him?), only to blow up his phone with attempts to contact the half-ghoul.

Hide thinks that maybe this is what he deserves. This must be a penance for forcing Kaneki out on that date with Rize to avoid a confrontation of his own feelings. He had teased him about it. Only to feel his heart drop when he heard about how his best friend was crushed under steel beams.

He was the reason Kaneki was turned into a ghoul. If he hadn’t told Kaneki to get a girlfriend, or to tease him so much, then things would have been fine. They would have continued on the track of the mundane, and for once...for once, Hide really wished they could be boring. From there on, after the accident, their lives became the tragedies that Kaneki used to be so fond of. Kaneki’s part as the main protagonist had finished, and the side stories; the spin-offs had begun.

Now, it’s the side characters that get their own arc and Hide isn’t sure how much he appreciates it. Hide always wondered what it would be like to be in the spotlight; to have his own show, but now he realizes that not all that glitters is gold. Not all is what it seems and he _hates_ this newfound spotlight. 

He knows; Hide _knows_ how awful he feels and he’s just letting himself stew in these feelings. He's always loved throwing himself a party, after all, so what’s the difference between a birthday party and a pity party? A party is a party, and just like before he met Kaneki (long before he would meet Shuu), he was the only guest. 

It wasn’t hard to see that he should have nipped his emotions while they were tiny, still growing from the seedling peeking out of the earth stained in blood. He can’t, though. He wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t. He fell out of love with one person he couldn’t ever acquire and fell right in love with someone even more unattainable. 

Shuu is his friend (are they friends?) and the guy appreciates him (does he?) and helps Hide out all the time (again, does he?). Hide just can’t find it in himself to be mad. Really. No, he’s not mad. Instead, he’s just tired. So goddamn tired. When did this become his life?

His train of thought circled back to him pushing Kaneki to go out on dates. Right. Then. Except it wasn’t, it was before that. It was when a shy bookworm begrudgingly allowed the kid with hyperactivity to become friends with him.

It started when Kaneki gave Hide soft smiles and fond gazes that would build that false hope in Hide, and it would remain Hide’s fault. They would fan the flames of his love until they were doused with cold water when Kaneki announced his engagement, unaware of his best friend’s pinning. The embers sizzled and cracked and still tried to stay alight but it didn’t work. Instead, he watched with wide eyes as someone else unknowingly found a dry patch in his heart and carefully began to build a hearth in the dirt. Logs were placed inside of the stone walls that Hide had built up, and the mishmash of dry leaves and sticks and old branches were lit with a single flame of his name being called out so sweetly; so desperately.

It was almost enough to make him believe that he was wanted.

It was _almost_ enough to fool him, but by the time he realized it wasn’t what he wanted it to be, that nothing was returned in the same way, the fire had spread from the stone bindings and consumed the whole forest.

He was in love with Tsukiyama Shuu.

He knew, though, that Tsukiyama Shuu would never love him back.

(Even though Tsukiyama Shuu very much did.)

Hide threw his phone off the high ledge. He watched with morbid curiosity as it fell, tumbling through the air. He didn’t see when it hit the ground, but he could hear the screen cracking into pointed shards. The blonde wondered if anyone could hear him breaking.

Part of him wondered how far up he needed to get in order to have his outside match his inside: shattered.


End file.
